How to squander 190 words

Horoscopes are great to read because they're updated regularly and some of the writing is fantastic. My favorites are: Jill Goodman from Style.com ("There's a light at the end of the tunnel and it's not the oncoming train"); Sally Brompton from TV Guide.com ("With other people's help there is no mountain you cannot climb. Without their help you won't even find the path that leads to the top"); Rob Brezny from Free Will Astrology ("It's a good time to work on your moon tan. I suggest you put on a bathing suit and find a place where the moon can beam down on you for a while"); and Jonathan Cainer ("All zodiac signs are, of course, created equal. An astrologer cannot possibly say that some are better than others to belong to. But, er... well look, if you're quite sure nobody else is reading this, Virgo is a very special sign.").

But some of them can be really bad. For instance:

Monthly Forecast for May, 2006
(from Astrology.com and syndicated by Yahoo! Astrology)

Is that you in the kitchen on the 1st, 2nd and 3rd? Are you wearing that 'Kiss the Chef' apron your grandpa gave you a few years ago for your birthday? Are you baking ... a cake? Well, heck, it sure looks like you are -- or maybe you're doing something equivalent. Have you put on your 'Kiss Your Colleague' apron at work while you cook up a new filing system? Or donned your 'Kiss Your Cutie' apron and gone to work making your relationship sweeter? Whatever it is, good for you -- it's springtime, and a time for new beginnings. By the looks of things, you're going whole-hog this month, no matter what apron you've got on. Great. On the 9th and 10th, you could be engaging in a little public display of affection! Are you singing or smooching? Or both at the same time? By the 16th and 17th, you manage the heck out of a work project, and on the 22nd and 23rd, you take action where it's needed. Good for you! On the 28th, bake another cake, and then eat the leftovers on the 29th. Yum!

Right. Can someone please tell me what in the heck is going on here? Why am I wearing an apron, and what is with this "cake" I keep baking?